This morning I scrolled through the headlines on the New York Times and felt my breath catch and become labored. Anxiety is more physical these days- restless nights, difficulty breathing, picking at the skin around my fingernails… I’m trying to stay informed, but at an arm’s length and in small doses. Right now, I’d rather stay calm than keep track of the daily inundation of numbers- how many more unemployed, number of cases, number of deaths. I’ve found that coping for me is focusing on something, from reading a book to drawing. I’ve been listening to a lot of stories too. The voices of Phoebe Judge and Levar Burton read aloud mysteries and science fiction while I wash dishes and a backlog of “Snap Judgement” episodes overlay time spent sketching. These stories have provided a respite from a world of news that is chaotic and tragic.
Motivation has come and gone at various intervals this week. I derive much of my mood from the weather and, in Chicago, it’s grown chilly again, with stretches of overcast skies and even some snowfall. I’m stubborn and refuse to turn up the heat in my apartment and found myself curled under a blanket on the couch, sleeping for a couple hours. I’m still working on being kinder to myself, to acknowledge that I do not need to (and cannot) be productive or creative or athletic at every waking moment and that in these strange current circumstances, sometimes my body needs to rest. And while I have spent a fair amount of time scrolling mindlessly through instagram or drifting asleep while reading a book, I have also cooked meals for myself, cleaned my apartment, and spent time writing and drafting a comic piece. Small accomplishments, but accomplishments nonetheless.
I didn’t feel as inspired with the camera this week, although it remains sitting out on the counter, ready for any moment that feels worthy of capture. The images this week feature fleeting light, views from out the window, and other little details. They are certainly nothing special- the way light passes through an onion skin or creates a galaxy on a counter sprayed with cleaner- but I found a sense of beauty in them.